Championing the Best Horse Show Parents

If you stand near the back gate of the pony ring or a children’s hunter class, you are likely to hear some of the trainers complain about the hefty expectations and demands that riders’ parents place on both the kids and the trainers. Indeed, horse show parents are often maligned as being too involved, competitive and undereducated about the sport. In my experience as a performance psychologist, this is an example of a few spoiling the reputation of the many. I work with many junior riders and their devoted parents who prioritize their children’s well-being and happiness, have a healthy perspective on the sport and support their child effectively and compassionately.

This article is my shout out to these champion parents who show up for their kids in healthy ways, helping them enjoy their sport to the fullest and perform their best. 

Maintaining the Big Picture

A quality I see in all great sports parents — and great parents in general —  is a focus on the big picture. Great parents keep front and center their reasons for supporting theirmchildren’s participation in competitive sports. Most parents feel that sports offer an array of benefits for their children: having fun, developing fitness, learning a physical skill, striving toward goals, working as a team, developing grit and resilience, and learning to win—and lose—gracefully are all part of the benefits package when it comes to sport participation. Great parents know that while we all love to win, the big ‘why’ of junior sports is not actually winning at sport, but rather developing as an athlete, and more importantly, as a person. 

Let’s face it: becoming an effective rider is hard. Mastering any sport is hard, but ours is more so—precisely for the reasons we love it so: the horses. Those of us who ride know that you can do everything ‘right’ and it can still go wrong. The outcome of any ride is not just up to you and your ability to perform. Riders need to connect and communicate effectively with their teammate who is an animal—a flight animal at that—one that has good days and bad days, and can be afraid of a plastic bag on the ground (but not a golf cart or forklift.). Sometimes a good day is working through such a spook, getting around a course even though the round might not be pretty or clear. Great show parents have perspective: they know that wins are about perseverance and grit, such as the times their child digs in and rides effectively, even when the situation is challenging. 

Becoming  Educated 

This takes me to a second point about great horse show parents: they are educated about the animals and the sport. Horse sports are very complex, and competition can be baffling to outsiders. (It can sometimes be baffling to insiders, but that is another story.) Great parents educate themselves about the challenges and have a deep appreciation for the process. They understand what constitutes a success for their child and their horse at this moment in time, and they applaud those accomplishments. They are patient with the process, knowing that progress is never a straight line. Great parents really watch and listen; they ask good questions and open themselves to learning about horses and about the discipline in which their child participates. 

Remembering Whose Journey It Is

Great show parents, like all great sports parents, remember that this is their child’s sport, not their own. I realize that maintaining that perspective in the horse world can be more challenging than in other sports, in part due to the financial commitment it requires. Because parents invest not only time and energy, but also a significant amount of money, there is often a pressure to see ‘results’ and more expectation in general around the child’s commitment and progress. Understandably, parents need to set boundaries and great parents do. Horse showing is not something that we do casually or lightly, because of the resources (time, energy, money) it takes to participate well. It’s not like a weekend soccer game across town. Riding requires dedication and perseverance–and sometimes sacrifice–from all family members. All that being said, great show parents know that it’s the child’s journey, and he or she needs to be the driver of the intensity and competitiveness of her involvement.

Parenting vs. Coaching

Great horse show parents steer clear of coaching their kids—even if they are educated riders themselves. They let the coaches do the coaching while they do the parenting. This can be challenging if the parent is herself the trainer, but even so, I find that the best show parents are very clear about their different roles and make clear to their child when they are parenting and when they are coaching. For those who aren’t horse professionals, they can more readily remain in the role of parent whose job is to support, cheer, and love—and sometimes discipline when needed—but never give riding advice or coaching. In this way, parents respect the boundaries of their trainers and also preserve the sanctity of their own role as parent. 

Valuing Effort Over Results

Great show parents always praise effort and attitude over results. They tell their child how proud they are of how they handled a tough situation, a challenging course or a difficult ride. They notice and praise their child’s positive attitude, their perseverance, and their gratitude for their teammates, their horses and their opportunities. Great show parents also model this way of thinking: they themselves exhibit a positive attitude, great sportsmanship and are grateful to their coaches and staff for their effort an expertise in the entire process. 

In my work over the years, I have been honored to help many wonderful, loving and supportive parents become even better horse show parents, mainly through educating them about the industry and encouraging them to communicate more openly and directly with their trainers. These are the parents who truly appreciate the opportunities for growth which horse sports provide their children, not just as riders but more importantly as people. They know that championships are always nice to have, but the true wins are deeply personal and last a lifetime.